How to support your loved ones experiencing grief

We all want to be there for friends and family when somebody dies. But it’s not always easy to know what we should say or do. Below, we cover some of the ways you can support your loved ones while they are grieving.

Be there and listen

Letting someone know you are there for them is one of the most important things you can do for someone who’s grieving. Even if you can’t be there in person, sending a card or being available to talk over the phone or online is a massive help. The first thing to do is to let your friend or family member know how sorry you are. Then follow their lead in terms of offering the support they need.

Sometimes bereaved people will want to talk about their loss and the events leading up to it. At other times, they may want to share stories or have a good cry. And sometimes people want to switch from talking about their bereavement to normal everyday topics. All of this is to be expected, so align your support with the direction the bereaved person takes.

Let them express their emotions

Creating a safe space for your friend or family member to share their feelings is important. They could feel one or more of a wide range of emotions including anger, sadness, guilt, relief or numbness. Try not to judge how they’re feeling - simply accept and respect that this is how they feel.

Be prepared to get things wrong

When emotions are running high, words will inevitably be misinterpreted and spoken in haste. Nobody ever intends to upset someone who’s grieving but it can happen. If you say the wrong thing, the person you’re supporting may become angry or distressed. Try not to take it personally. Just remember that they could be having difficulty controlling their emotions and that it’s their grief that’s the root cause of the problem. This can be difficult, especially if you are grieving yourself, so make sure you look after your own needs during this time.

Offer practical help

There’s usually a lot to do after someone dies, so offering practical support can be a real help. Particularly when somebody is struggling with their energy or have a lot on their mind.

Rather than making general offers to help out, it’s often more useful to suggest the kinds of activities you could support with and when. Like picking the kids up from school the next day, cooking a meal and dropping it off that evening, or helping with funeral preparations that week.

Practical support doesn’t only need to be short term. Because, when somebody dies, they can leave a gap in the surviving person’s life. This could mean the bereaved person needs more help in the future, perhaps with care needs, cleaning or DIY. It’s quite likely that your friend or family member won’t know what they need help with until they get back to something resembling their previous lifestyle. So you might need to ask what kind of support they need over a period of time.

Be sensitive around social media

This might sound obvious, but you’d be surprised just how many people tag grieving friends and relatives into social media photos of the person who’s died. Seeing the face of someone who’s recently passed away can be a shock when someone isn’t expecting it. So, wait to share photos. And, if you do decide to share them, let the bereaved person know you’re about to post them.

Suggest an activity

When the time is right, the person you’re supporting might need some encouragement to get out of the house. Or they might find certain times of the day or week lonely. Arranging a visit or an activity - like going for a walk together or popping out to a cafe - can help them feel less isolated and provide a welcome distraction or change of scenery. Even sitting with them at home and looking at old photos with a cup of tea and some biscuits can be comforting.

Provide emotional support over the long-term

Grief never goes away - it comes in waves, even years after someone dies. So, you’ll need to be prepared to offer emotional support on a long-term basis. Remembering important dates, like birthdays or anniversaries, will show the person you’re supporting that you care. You might want to arrange to be with them on key dates. Or, if this isn’t possible, you could send a message, card or note to let them know they are in your thoughts.

Signpost more support

Grief can take many forms, and it can take a long time for some people to grieve. There’s no right or wrong way for people to feel, and no deadline for mourning. However, if somebody is struggling to cope with everyday activities or to take pleasure in life again after several months have passed, it may help them to seek more support. You can signpost them to the wide range of support and services that are available. Here are a few that we suggest.

The Samaritans: Speak to the Samaritans 24/7, 365 days a year.

The Good Grief Trust: Find local support by entering your postcode at the bottom of their website.

BACP therapist list: Find a registered therapist in your area.