What does grief feel like?
Losing someone we love can be one of the most profound and devastating experiences of our lives. Yet even though grief is something all of us experience, it’s difficult to predict how we’ll react. Because although grieving is natural and normal, each of us experiences it differently.
In this article, we explore what grief is, how it can feel and whether grief and depression are the same thing.
What is grief?
Grief is the emotional suffering you experience when someone you care about passes away. It’s a natural reaction to loss and can cause strong emotions that are sometimes overwhelming. From shock and anger to feeling profoundly sad, numb or even guilty, people can experience a wide range of emotions. None of which are ‘wrong’ or somehow not ‘normal’.
How can grief feel?
Grief is very personal and it can present in many ways, including:
● Shock and disbelief - it can take a long time for our brains to process the loss of someone we love. These feelings are often experienced in the early stages of grief as the brain attempts to provide emotional protection and prevent overwhelm.
● Numbness and denial - after the shock of losing someone, it’s common to feel numb and/or as if the loss is not real. This is another way our brains try to create space for us to process what’s happened. Feeling disoriented is also common, as if you no longer feel certain of your place in the world.
● Pain - grief can be very painful, particularly if you’ve lost someone close to you. Some people describe feeling as though part of them has been cut off or lost.
● Anger - it’s completely normal to feel angry when someone dies. It can feel incredibly unfair, particularly if you had plans you wanted to fulfil with that person or you feel they died too soon. You may feel angry at the person who’s died for leaving you and angry or frustrated with yourself or others. Wanting to find someone to blame for your loss is very common.
● Guilt - is also a common response to loss, particularly when you had a difficult relationship with the person who died. You may:
○ Wish you had said or done something differently when they were still alive.
○ Feel you could have done something to prevent their death.
○ Feel guilty about being alive when someone you love has passed away.
Guilt can feel very difficult to handle so finding a way to let some of it out is an important part of easing this emotion.
● Overwhelm - when grief hits you with full force you can feel overcome and devastated. You may spend a lot of time crying or you may feel weighed down and like you can’t cope. This is a perfectly normal part of grief and after time, it will pass.
● Relief - this is very common in situations where someone has been suffering for a long time or if you had a difficult relationship with the person who died. Feeling relieved is another normal response, experienced by many people and it doesn’t mean you did not love or care for the person who died.
It’s normal to feel a mix of these emotions, sometimes in stages and sometimes at the same time.
Are grief and depression the same thing?
There can be quite a lot of overlap between the symptoms of grief and depression. When someone close dies, you may lose interest in taking care of yourself, or feel like nothing matters. However, the symptoms of grief tend to reduce over time, whereas depression may not.
If you feel depressed, please speak to someone who can help. Like your GP, who can put you in touch with local mental health support. Or the Samaritans are available 24/7 if you need someone to talk to immediately.
Are grief and mourning the same thing?
Although these words are often used to mean the same thing, they each have a distinct meaning. Grief is the emotions and feelings you experience after a loss. Mourning is how we express our loss externally, perhaps by wearing black, arranging a funeral or sharing stories about a loved one. Mourning can be a long process but it’s an important part of grieving as it can help us move through the different stages of grief and preserve the memory of the person who’s died.
Is what I’m feeling normal?
Grief and grieving are very personal experiences so there’s no ‘normal’ way to grieve. How you grieve will depend on many different factors, like your personality, coping style, life experience, previous losses, the nature of your relationship with the person who’s died and the level of support you have around you.
However, you grieve, be kind and patient with yourself. There’s no timetable - it can take months or even years to fully grieve. The important thing is to experience your grief in your own way and give yourself time to heal.
If you’re looking for more support, take a look at these websites.
This signposting website will help you find and access a wide range of bereavement resources and support across the UK.
Resources for people experiencing bereavement, plus reassurance, a virtual hand of friendship and ongoing support.